Dear Nick
by Niley4evaa
Summary: And here I go, writing a letter to Nick. On Valentines' day. The last thing i ever expected myself to do...


**Dear Nick…**

**This is probably a weird way to start this letter but whatever… Everytime I think about how messed up my life is right now, I gotta think of you too. Not because you make my life miserable right now, but because you're the one who made my life so good a few years ago. The years that were the best of my life. You were the one who send a smile across my face with just your presence. The one I thought I'd marry. The one who showed me what true love looks like…I don't know why you had to go. I don't know what made you think we couldn't make it, cause I know we could've made it. We were once so strong. Remember the times when we used to spend hours on the phone cause you still lived on the East Coast? I missed you so much. Not as much as I miss you now but I used to cry myself to sleep. Even though I knew you loved me (and that's more than I know now), your absence made me vulnerable and it just hurt knowing that we couldn't be together at that point. **

**Those times remind me so much of my life right now. I would've liked to tell you this in person, but I just can't. You'll soon know why. But don't worry, it's not you who makes me cry. I just think of how these times have changed. You were not only my lover, but my best friend. I miss us hanging out. I miss your strong arms around my body making me feel safe. I miss the times when we desperately tried to beat eachother in playing Guitar Hero (you were better anyway). I miss you telling me that's everything's gonna be okay. I miss how you used to send that smile across my face that I miss so much. That natural, genuine smile, that somehow disappeared. I just miss you & me. And why do I tell you this? **

**I honestly don't know. Maybe I just want to get it off my chest. Maybe this is more of a "Please-feel-sorry-for-me" letter. I'm not sure. **

**There was not a word left unspoken, but there are just so many questions left unanswered. I need answers. I need them to go on with my life or at least to try to do that. Just answer those questions and I promise I will never bother you again. **

**Why did you leave me? Why did you lose hope in us? I know that it was hard, but how could you just leave me there? Do you even know how difficult it was for me to see you walk away? I felt like I needed to hold on to that little hope that was left so I begged you to stay. You just went away with two words. "I'm sorry." Yeah, Nick, I was sorry too. And I still am. I should've done something. I somehow should've kept you from leaving. It was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. **

**And the songs you wrote me, you know, I love them but why didn't you ever call? Or maybe a simple text message? No, you couldn't even come up with that. I know that I should've called too. Actually, I did call. Twice. The first time I called, I begged that no one would pick up, but when your Mom did I just pretended to have dialed the wrong number. The second time I called (it was about 2 months later) you picked up. I got so scared and just hung up. Yes, it was wrong and stupid (I guess you've seen the Caller ID, didn't you? I wouldn't blame you for thinking how stupid it was.) I shouldn't have, but the wound you punched in my heart was just about to heal and I wasn't sure if talking things out with you would actually fasten the healing progress. I just called to hear your voice. Not just out of songs. And those songs, Nick…They are beautiful and I don't deserve them. They have something magical, something with such an untouchable beauty. And if you're wondering how I know which songs are about me. You just feel it when a song is about you. You feel it too when there's a song about you , don't you? Or maybe it's just a usual feeling for you? Because just in case you didn't notice: There are a lot of songs about you. I tried to rewrite them so often, but I just feel like I can't describe how I feel about you. I couldn't tell you how much you mean to me when we were together and I still can't. The combination of all the things you are and you have makes the butterflies in my stomach fly. It makes my cheeks go red and it sends the smile I'm talking about ALL the time across my face. **

**Remember when you once asked me why I love you? Yeah, I told you about every single thing I love about you until you made me stop by kissing me. I wish I had answered differently. I wish I had told you that I love you because you are who you are. It sure as hell doesn't sound as romantic as what I did back then but it's just the truth. I could never list all the things I love about you and it's even kinda stupid to try. I even love the things normal people find annoying. For me it's just you. And that's why I love you. Cause you are just who you are. **

**Wow… And again I'm trying to explain why I love you, right? God, will I ever stop trying to? Maybe it's just that I want myself to know why I love you. I still love you after you broke my heart. And still for the same reason I loved you before. Because of who you are. It doesn't even make sense to me. **

**I first realized that at the Inaugural. It was weird hugging you after so long, it hurt knowing that you weren't mine at that point, but I was just so happy. You hugged me. I still don't know why. **

**Maybe because you had to? You hugged everyone so you had to hug me too? But you knew that before you started hugging everyone. You should've thought of me too. Or don't you think of me before? Was I invisible for you? Just a hug like all the others. Because to me, it was far more than that. I hoped for a reunion. Stupid, I know. Hugging doesn't erase memories, it doesn't make broken promises matter less. But I was willing to just forget about that for a while. I knew that all that would've come back and that we would've had to talk things out someday, but just not just then. The moment was too perfect and I didn't want my bubble to burst yet. And then backstage you talked to me like everything was okay, pratically everything I wanted you to do. But then I finally realized that, when I was being honest, you know Nick, it wasn't okay. But I still didn't dare to tell you that. I just joined playing your little game and pretended that nothing had happened. We had a nice talk. **

**I guess if this was a conversation, this would be the point where you would've asked me why I was avoiding to meet your eyes all the time. Nick, after so long you should know that once caught in your eyes, I can't free myself. I would've relived so many moments and I was scared of that. I didn't wanna cry. So I did that. Not nice, it probably seemed rude cause normally when you're in a conversation with someone, you expect your partner to look at you. I'm deeply sorry for that but I hope you understand. **

**Well, whatever, to go on with the questions… **

"**Shine a light and send it on." Yeah, the day we shot that video I was really glowing. And guess who the reason for that was? Yup, you. It felt so natural to hang out with you. I felt like I was having a big family reunion with you, Joe, Kevin&Demi. Although it was kinda awkward to be at the same place with you&Selena, I was even glad to see her. We were goofing around, having a good time and I felt alive. Not just like living, but actually enjoying life. **

**How did you feel that day? Did you feel comfortable? Did you feel it too, that little spark that returned that day? I haven't seen you smiling that much since we were together. Maybe it was just cause everytime I saw you it was on paparazzi's shots. You don't smile a lot, I know that, but when you do it's true, and that's more than I can say of myself, cause I fake a smile everyday. For my family, my fans, my producers, paparazzis, for everyone but not for you. My smile for you is genuine. **

**Sorry for talking that much about my smile. I don't think I've ever rambled that much before. You must think I'm a weirdo (okay, if you didn't think that before.)**

**But after that we became really close. We were basically besties and I was so happy about that. I knew I was safe and it obviously meant more to me than I'll ever admit. All your little jokes you did like sending me little text messages in the morning saying "**_Good morning beautiful : )_**". Little things that made my day better. To me it meant something different than to you, I know but I still pretended you felt the same way. But the message that meant the most to me was the one where you asked me to perform Before the storm with you. Our song. The song that we wrote together. The song that showed exactly what I felt. I was a little insecure at first, I was scared I wouldn't make it without crying. But after singing it several times at soundcheck I felt better and your soothing deep voice in my ear made me wanna be strong. Did you know how our fans would react? You know that there are Niley supporters out there, have you ever watched their videos? I know this is off topic but you should watch them, maybe you would realize what they realized a long time ago… Anyways, I was worried bout how they would react. I saw people with Niley signs crying when they saw us at BOBW concerts, I had people asking me about how I would describe my love for you and I read their tweets. They seem like they really believe in us, so I believed in us too and just went out there. Singing my heart out, to the song that means so much to me. I know my voice sounded vulnerable and weak at some points of the song but it was worst when I had to sing "**_**knowing that it's really over**_**". I know that it is, but I can't live with that. That's why I keep avoiding that part. I don't want it to be over…And yeah, that's the reason I ran away after the concert. I needed time for myself after staying strong for so long. Please, just… you have to know that a break-up is the worst thing that can happen to a girl. Some never get over it. I know I will… someday… Just give me some time…**

**Georgia. Yes, that one magical place. If I'll ever get asked what I first think of when I think of Georgia is confusion. Again, you somehow messed up my life, made me more careful with trusting people. I trusted you. That's the reason I let us hang out. You wouldn't believe how happy and surprised I was when you suddenly visited. You flew all over the country just to spend a little time with me. I don't know if you noticed but it was June 12****th****. [Let's pretend it was ;P I'm not sure, it could've been June 10****th**** too xD] Our anniversary is June 11****th****. Did you pick that date because of that? I think so. You're not the kind of guy that would forget anniversaries. **

**Well, the main point is that you visited me and I was incredibly grateful for that. Just the night before I'd prayed to God that He would send me an angel to protect me. I wasn't feeling really safe that night. First of all: the thought of you not being there at our anniversary made me sad, second: I'd just started filming and I had started getting to know some people. They seemed nice, but I felt like I didn't fit in. I don't know why, but it was a fact. **

**So you came and I knew the angel I had prayed for the other night had arrived. By the way, I'm really sorry for crying when I saw you. **

**It wasn't disappointment, those were tears of happiness. Seeing you makes me incredibly happy. You know? It feels like my heart's glowing and it isn't t heavy in my chest anymore. **

**Just for your information: I noticed you wearing the perfume I once bought you. Sweet that you still have it… **

**So, I asked you to go jet-skiing and we seriously ended up doing it. I know we fell off a couple times but it was really nice. The only confusing thing about that was when I turned around to say something. You brushed your lips against mine and then pulled back. I must've looked so shocked. I still am. You might be wondering why I never said anything about that kiss again, because of the same reason you never mentioned it again: I loved it and I was scared that talking about it (maybe even discussing things) would change or even erase the beautiful memory. And I still am, so let me just tell you something about it: Nick, I loved it.**

**But it left me with more questions: Why did you kiss me? Was it to make things more clear between us? Was it something like a bet? I don't think you're that kind of guy who would do that but everyone says that love makes blind and we both know it's true… **

**Was it for you to know that it was over between us? Or did it show you that there was still some magical bond between us? **

**Probably not, considering that you ran off and tried to look all happy with Mrs. Selena Gomez. You can't fool me Nick. I've known you for so long that I know when something's fake and "Nelena" has always been fake (Selena's personality too… Okay this is not a letter about Sel.) **

**Was it for publicity? If it was then I was wrong. I thought you were a better person than I am but apparently you let everybody else talk you into dating for publicity. Just so you know. I am fake-dating too… Liam's a really good friend, but we're not "in love." The only guy I've ever been in love with is you Nick and you know that. I told you that I love you. And when I say something like that I mean it. I don't play with those words. They're special and I think they should always be honest and true. I wouldn't want someone to tell me it and not mean it. So I don't say it a lot, but if I do, you know how genuine it is. **

**While writing this letter I realized so much. I shouldn't have written it. This last part of the letter is the only part that really matters. You don't have to answer all the other questions. Cause this is my closure. Thank you for the amazing time Nick.**

**I hope you know you're special. That girl that's gonna marry you someday is really lucky. She needs to hold on to your heart cause you never know when it'll be gone. I know it's not me and don't tell me "That's not true Miles", cause you know it is. We've been through so much. It hurts, to know that, but it's not me. We just have too much history. And I don't think we can be friends either. It's just not working between us like that. "Let's be friends." We can't use that for an excuse everytime one of us has messed up. We CAN'T be friends. This whole friendship thing is just not working for Miley Cyrus & Nick Jonas. I don't wanna hurt you and I know you don't wanna hurt me either but we do all the time. It's not on purpose but it will happen again like it has so many times before. We had a great time, I loved it, it was special and you know that you'll always have a special place in my heart. You were my first love Nick, but this is just goodbye. We can't keep going down this road. This is where it ends for us… I don't want to see both of us in pain all the time. **

**You know where to find me. Just listen to your heart. I'll be there whenever you need me. **

**One last time…**

**I love you Nicholas, don't you ever forget that.**

**Miley**

**. **


End file.
